Why are they having so many tantrums?

This question came up over and over again at my family conferences...as it does every year...and I thought I might ramble a bit on this topic...

Families wondered -

Do they tantrum at school?
Every little thing seems to set them off.
They fall apart when they get home.
The smallest thing upsets them!
They'll dig in their feet and refuse to move on, screaming and crying, over and over.
There's been a real uptick in tantrums since school began.
They really don't do this at school?

Thankfully,
mostly,
preschoolers do NOT do this at school.

Thankfully,
mostly,
preschoolers save this for their loving families.

One part of these tantrums is simply due to the adjustment to the school year. It is such a big transition, to be in school all day long, with so many peers, following rules, keeping to expectations, trying to take a nap with twenty peers, going to aftercare with a different set of teachers...so many new things, so much new learning. Home, where you are assured of love, is the perfect place to fall apart.

(This teacher is certainly thankful that this is mostly the case - children save their tantrums for home!)

My suggestion - make home a soft landing. Try to lessen the expectations on kids, have an easy and predictable routine - maybe some fun exercise together (a walk outside? a dance party?), favorite foods for dinner, a nice bath and some books, early to bed.

Also, ask yourselves how much power does your child actually have? How might you weave a little 'freedom of choice' into their time with you? No, they don't get to make the big decisions, but, can they have a little say on some things? A sure sign that your child needs to have a little more say is when you start having problems in one of three areas: toileting, sleep, or eating. Here, children can assert control and there is very little that you can do about this. If this is happening at your house, think about your daily routine with your child and find ways to relax some part of it - for example, lay out options for lunch and let them choose from these for their lunchbox; same for getting dressed -  keep 'appropriate' choices in their bureau and let them choose what they want to wear. Maybe you have ten minutes to play with them... let them decide WHAT you will play with them and then you follow their every command. This is so satisfying for a preschooler! Such a boost!

In addition to giving them a little say or power in their lives, look for ways to have them help with the household. They want so much to be a part of the action! These are excellent years for cultivating self reliance and responsibility. With your guidance, let them DO real work - set the table for dinner, take their plate to and from the table, push the vacuum...honestly, children are looking to DO.

And, truly, preschoolers CAN DO.

Tuesday SOL: What does a young parent know?

I am participating in the
Tuesday Slice of Life.
All participants are writing about one moment, one part of their day.

A big thank you to Two Writing Teachers for providing this unique opportunity

for teacher-writers to share and reflect.

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."
- Maya Angelou

I went to see my (elderly) parents this past weekend, who live in a retirement community in Saco, Maine. One bonus of seeing my parents is that I get to see a couple of my brothers and sisters-in-law, who live nearby. My brothers and I went cruising down memory lane, thinking about different experiences we had when we were young. Some of our memories went a little dark.

I'll share just one with you today.

We remembered how sad and difficult life was when my parents argued. My parents believed in giving one another the silent treatment. Yes, this was their approach to conflict - to freeze one another out, to make the other 'figure out' what was wrong. Their silence affected the whole house...it meant no family dinners, no gathering together for television or games, everyone walking on eggshells.

I remember the silence vividly.

All of this was so many, many, many years ago, and I have certainly forgiven my parents. I know that they were finding their way, they were doing the best they could.

Now, I find myself thinking about how darn young my parents were when all this happened. Certainly, I'm much older now then my parents were at the time of all this ugly behavior.

I think, wow - how young all of us are - typically - when we are raising children. Think of how much we learn on the job as parents. Parenting is often done by two young people who are just learning to communicate with one another, just learning to create that team, that precious union. In the midst of this learning, we dare to bring a new life (or two or three or four or, in my parents' case, five). What does a young parent even know? How do you know what you need to know? Goodness!

Time and time again, young parents raise children. It is by no means new. And yet, isn't it a wonder that children grow up, that most of us turn into adults that make a worthwhile life?

I think about this a lot in my work with young children: our childhood lays the blueprint for the rest of our lives...it creates our 'norm', what is ordinary for us. What's happening to my preschoolers right now that they will carry with them always? What is being modeled in their homes? What instincts - right or wrong - will they carry in their bones?

I remember the silence vividly.

This is the power of childhood.

SOLSC #5 Do you need my help?

I am posting every day during March as part of the annual "Slice of Life" Challenge for Two Writing Teachers.  Check out their website for lots more reflections on teaching.

*******

He is walking slowly and calmly, just in front of me. I see he has missed a belt loop. He has trouble with fine motor skills. His pants are baggy and loose, and I wonder if his pants will slip down without his belt on correctly. Oh, he would hate that!

I should fix that, help him with that.

Hmmm. What to say? How to guide? 

No, I shouldn't jump to fix it - let me simply point it out.

So, I do -
"Oh, look, you've missed a loop here."

He comes to a standstill and begins working on re-doing this. The belt gets tripped up on another loop, he struggles to unhook it, and then looks at me with defeat. He needs my help to get his belt on, to make it right.

He doesn't want to ask for help. He wants to do it, all by himself.

"Do you need my help?" I ask, tentatively.

"Yeah," he admits. But he looks at me sadly. He can't believe he needs help with this.

"It's okay! I'm good at this! This is how I spend my day." I joke, referring to my work with preschoolers.

"Ahh, knock it off, Maureen," he laughs back, "I'm not a three year old!"

And my 84 year old father lets me fix his belt, both of us uneasy with this change in roles.

**************

(A daily share by a preschooler, in their own words)

A Story Collage by Ashley

There was a gardening Dora.  That is the flower that was in the dirt. She holds the watering can. That bird came. He flied away again. She plays with the animals - penguin, butterfly, and a squirrel. And that’s Dora’s house. The End.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2014!

I am delighted to be at home this cold, grey, wintry Thursday morning, writing and reflecting. With many schools in my area resuming classes today, I feel particularly lucky to be returning next Monday!

Today begins my fifth year of writing this blog.

Wow. I'm both surprised and amazed at this.

I had no idea when I began writing that I would enjoy this medium so very much. I have loved having this outlet - this safe and benign place - for my musings about teaching preschoolers. I am surprised by how much I have written and how much more I want to say, albeit in a random and unpredictable way. I love reading comments from others...and having my thoughts soar in new directions because of these.

When I began writing this blog, I imagined that I would "say my piece" and that would be that...probably, I would write only for a brief while. (Honestly, I had no expectations, and I wasn't  certain about what "my piece" was!) But, I suspected that there was only so much I could say.

Yet, the truth is, the more I write, the more I am aware of
the significance of small moments,
the tremendous importance of our work with young children, and
the essentialness of reflection.

Blogging helps me to be a better teacher -
more present,
more aware,
more compassionate.

The simple act of writing regularly on this topic of preschoolers has made me much more confident and clear about what really matters to me.

As I begin this fifth year of writing this blog, I hope these themes will jump out -

• preschoolers learn best through play;
• families and teachers should dare to follow the child's lead;
• allow children to investigate and explore their interests;
• have routines and "ramp them up" with ritual, tradition, magic, and love;
• the best discipline focuses on loving children and building on the positive;
• model the behavior you want to see;
• beginning teachers working alongside experienced teachers is an extraordinarily rich and vibrant teaching environment;
• helping young parents is an essential part of an early childhood teacher's role;
• remember to take care of the caregiver;
• when in doubt - step back, breathe, and watch.

Happy New Year, one and all!

"You can do no great things, only small things with great love." 

- Mother Theresa

What is it about Mondays?

It is Tuesday and this is a "Slice of Life" for Two Writing Teachers.  Check out their website for  "slices of life" by other teachers and writers.

-----

Monday follows

the unknown.

Monday proclaims

frequent tears,

classroom routines forgotten,

angry words with friends,

knocking down another's blocks,

confusion about how to do things for oneself,

not looking up when the teacher calls your name,

new, sarcastic expressions,

roughness,

crankiness,

sadness.

Monday follows

the unknown.

Monday reflects

late nights?

house guests, visitors, company?

irregular routines?

few expectations and responsibilities?

doing as told, having no voice?

boredom?

lots of errands, chores, adults at work?

being the center of attention?

indulgence?

the beginning of a virus?

Monday follows

the unknown.

Monday needs

a soft and kind welcome,
a sensory table, to sift, pour, touch,

gentle reminders,

predictable routine,

books to read-aloud,

lots and lots of hugs,

extra time in the teacher's lap,

soothing voices,

meditative moments,

healing.

Monday follows

the unknown.

Monday requires

     knowledge that Tuesday will come,
     rhythm will return.

Monday requires
patience.

Back to school!

We teachers returned to school
a little more than a week ago,
to a new school home,
newly remodeled,
contractors still in the building.

Preschoolers arrived yesterday.

Yes, it is a blur.

But, I want to remember -

High ceilings,
filled with endless weaving of exposed pipes, tubes, gadgets, gizmos,
I want to create pendulums,
mobiles,
magical floating art.

Walls of windows,
floor to ceiling,
incredible light,
and an intimate view of life in the alley.
What will preschoolers notice?

New Teaching Residents,
eyes open wide,
voices filled with passion, determination, idealism.

The whole staff together,
so many of us,
the excitement and hope in the building is palpable.

A new colleague speaks,
"I've been looking for this school for the past fifteen years."
Beautiful,
just beautiful.

Orientation for new families,
so much care and concern,
lots of questions,
some watery eyes,
taking their babies to school for the first time.

"Meet your teacher" mornings,
the children visit,
their cautious entry into the room,
their delight to find blocks, dolls, art, books, a big cozy chair,
smiling teachers,
adorable photos.

Emptying packed moving boxes and
getting ready for children,
simultaneously,
a blur of emptying and creating,
where's the box with the teacher scissors?
let's make picture cards for gathering time,
where's the box with the smocks?
let's make names on the cubbies,
where's the box with my teaching materials? my visuals? my quotes?
let's make a place for lunches,
where are the trash cans? the paper towels? the tissues?
let's make take-home folders,
let's make a sign-in board,
let's make a family info board,
no time left,
they are coming,
they are here...
wait, I never checked the bathrooms...
are the contractors still here?

Day one,
sweet children clinging to family,
wide eyes,
watching,
tentative,
cautious.

I'm on.
Hello, everybody, it's so good to see you!

There is something so wondrous about the beginning of a school year.
This one seems especially so.

Culling my way down memory lane

One of the beautiful things about summer is having time to sift through things and get rid of the unnecessary, the outgrown, the irrelevant.

Well, my most recent foray has been our piles of papers in the back room.  How did we accumulate so many?  This is borderline hoarding.  Time for action.

Lo and behold, I come across this "growth chart" for my then preschooler Keith (now 23 years old!):

Not entirely sure why I kept this, because, from the looks of it, I didn't use it very long!  He has stickers only through the third column.  Did each column represent days? Weeks?

I read through the goals of the chart and I am transported down memory lane....

Handles his anger successfully, Respects/loves Wade (his infant brother at this time) -

Keith is 2 1/2 years older than his brother, Wade...I remember how surprised I was at the effect of Wade on Keith...much happiness, much joy, yes; but, unexpected meanness, too, a jealousy, coming from out of nowhere, seemingly. It was no longer little Keith alone with Mommy. There was a daily sharing of Mommy.  

I saw real frustration in the little guy when he was three and four years of age.

I remember had so many questions, so many concerns! He was my first, my entryway into how to raise a child.  I wanted to parent him differently than I had been. My own childhood was in a home of "eggshell walking" - with a mother who had severe mental health issues, we treaded carefully and quietly around the house, not disturbing, not upsetting, not rattling her.  I didn't want a child who swallowed his emotions, like me.  I knew how essential it was to raise my child differently, more healthfully. But how to teach him?

We both had so much to learn about how to express anger and frustration.

I am aware of the enormous role my sons' preschool and Pre-K teachers had in the life of my young family.  I am so thankful for these wonderful women, who helped me understand my three boys as individuals.  They modeled ways to talk to, play with, and discipline my children, provided books, articles, and websites as resources, helped me find answers to my questions.  Their guidance helped me to be a better parent.  

Dresses without argument

Keith's preschool years were my first introduction to "sensory issues" - again, thank you preschool teachers!

How we struggled over what he would wear.   He would get so angry! Oh my.
"That feels swishy, Mommy."
The seams in his socks, if not "just so" on his feet, would drive him wild.

I remember his wonderful Pre-K teacher, Mary Landsman, explained how sometimes the tightness or texture of clothing is like a fingernail on a chalkboard to a young child - like so much loud noise in their ears - rendering them incapable of thinking about anything else, stuck and angry.  She helped me to see how important it was to not hold my child to some aberrant, adult-driven rule,
"Wear these or else" or
"You can't wear those because you wore them yesterday,"
but to have him help to choose the clothing, to let go of fashion, to allow him to wear the same thing day in or day out.  That year, he wore the same pair of green sweatpants to school everyday.  (Thank goodness for laundry machines and the freedom to use them overnight.)

Gives Mom and Dad privacy, Stays quiet in bed, Eats without argument,

I am aware of how important it is for parents of young children to see and understand how they are creating the rituals and traditions,
the expectations,
the norms,
for how children should interact with one another and with adults.  Parents of young children are shaping a family.  It doesn't happen in an instant, but many, many opportunities over time.

In these early years, we took awkward first steps at setting family expectations for staying in one's bed, eating as a family (and appreciating the chef!), and giving one another space.  It wasn't automatic. I remember tearful dinners and exhausting good night routines.  But we were making steady progress.  Over time, we created family traditions, our family "way."

These imperfect days led to a home where
we don't yell at one another,
we get frustrated and take a deep breath and figure out how to talk about it,
we are allowed to question things and to do things differently from one another,
we enjoy our family meals and evenings together, and
our time apart.

It helps to have a supportive, loving partner in this parenting, as I have had (thank you, Tony!).  And fantastic preschool teachers along the way - thank you Irene, Mary, Cindy, Janise, and Mindy!

Yes,
I'm not entirely sure why I kept this chart.

With hindsight, the list of "goals" seems like a lot at once for a young child; if I had a do-over, I'd isolate one of the goals and work on that only.  (Often success in one area has positive effects elsewhere.)

Truly, I'm not sure where I stand on behavior charts like these for preschoolers.  I definitely don't like them in a classroom as a public display, where children might be pitted against one another, leading to a sense of isolation and defeat for those who do not achieve.

However, perhaps they are useful for a parent or teacher to have with a child, one on one?  I wonder if some young children might benefit from having a visual aid that isolates specific small issues/goals to work on?  Charts allow you to voice the issue in a non-emotional way - helping the child to work towards specific goals.  

Certainly, charts like this are great for reflection, twenty years later....
It has served its purpose.  Time to throw it out! ;-)

SOLSC #10 Briefly, about discipline

A little guy was being fairly aggressive with the playground hoolahoops, chasing one particular classmate and looping the hoop around her by surprise. She had the presence of mind to find me and explain what was happening, "I don't want him to do that to me!"

Together, we went over to this four year old and we talked about the situation.  I, brokering the negotiations.  It is very important to me that the children take the lead in these discussions, as much as possible.

She, "You hit my head and it hurts."
He, "Oh. But I want you to play horse."
They both stare at me.
Me to her, "Do you want to play horse?"
She, "No. I want to play with [Jane]."
Me to him, "We need to make sure that our friends know what game we are playing.  We need to make sure that our classmates are safe, that no one gets hurt.  When you put the hoolahoop over someone's head while they are moving, they might very well get bumped in the head. Thank you for talking about this.  No more hoolahoops over the head, okay?"
He, "Okay!" and both children are off and running, in different directions.

Not even five minutes later, I see this same little guy chasing the same little girl, she screaming, him with hoolahoop raised high, lowering it, smack, around her body again.  I am so surprised.  This is so unusual! This child is not one of my typical "testers."
Didn't we just discuss this very thing? This very action?
I jump to their sides, my hand outstretched.

"[Jack], you lose the hoolahoop now.  This is not okay.  [Jill] told you that she did not want to play and you are not playing safe."  I take the hoolahoop away, and he throws himself to the ground and into a full-blown tantrum,
"No! No! No! You can't take the hoolahoop!  I need it! I need it!"

and then the most poignant line,

"That was only #2, my Daddy always gives me 3 chances."

Wow.
It makes me chuckle to repeat the story, but fills me with reflection, too.

Children love to explore cause and effect, it is developmentally appropriate to do so, and certainly doesn't make them "bad" when they decide to use a classmate for an experiment.

Children love routines, logic, sequences, and patterns; they pick up on these fairly readily.  What are the nuances of our discipline routines? What are these allowing them to do?

That dear father certainly wasn't promoting a new rule of "hurt twice, then stop." But, on some innate level, this is what the child heard.

Something to think about.

SOLSC Back in time

The simple words "Woah Nellie," posted in yesterday's title for SOLSC #3...

I immediately hear Lori's voice, her full laugh, I see her great smile.  She is regaling me with Sam or Noah's latest antics. That was one of Lori's favorite expressions - Woah Nellie! 

We were young moms, getting through those preschool years together.  We lived in the same neighborhood, met through a happenstance playgroup, because we had met two other young moms, walking with first-borns in snugglies through Sligo Creek Park.  

It was serendipitous. 

No, synchronistic.

It was meant to be.

A flood of memories: supportive phone calls, holding each other up through children's tantrums, viruses, husband's travels; reading and discussing parenting books; throwing birthday parties, impromptu happy hours on stressful days...

Three year old Sam shouting so eloquently to his Mom, "You are not the boss of me!"  How true, how true!  We really aren't bosses of our children, we do want them to be in charge of their lives.

Lori helping me see the positive of my challenging four year old Keith, noting, "His tenacity will serve him well."

Three year olds Wade and Noah playing quietly upstairs and then dashing through the house bare-chested, underpants only, donning an extra pair of underwear on their heads, shouting "Super Underwear Man!"

Woah Nellie.  

Lori and Bruce, Sam and Noah moved from the area when all our boys were in their first years of elementary school.  My then toddler Bryce never got to know them.

Time passes.

New friendships.

New careers.

Her Sam and my Keith are 23 now; her Noah and my Wade are nearly 21... Woah Nellie.

As Lori wrote in this year's holiday card, 

"The woman who cuts my hair is pregnant with twins and is going to stay home with her kids after they are born.  She asked me how I liked staying home with my kids and I said, 'I only made it because of a wonderful friend named Maureen.  We kept each other sane.' No matter how many years pass, I will ALWAYS remember."

No matter how many years pass, I will ALWAYS remember.

Woah Nellie.

Still wondering about discipline

Overheard:

You will do this because I said so.
I am the adult.  You will NOT do that to an adult.
You will sit here until I tell you to move.
Why are you doing such bad stuff?



I wonder what the child heard?
I wonder what the child felt?

I wonder if we hear ourselves talking like this?

I wonder if there is a way to remind ourselves about the need for reflection?

I wonder how often parents and educators take time to revisit these moments, and consider more
practiced, 
respectful, 
intentional 
discipline?

I wonder what could be said that would help
build a child
developmentally,
to shine a light on the path he/she should go?

I wonder how many of us think about the way we speak to children?

I wonder what would happen if we spoke to children the same way we spoke to our best friend?

I wonder if children already and always know we are in charge?
Don't we tower over them?
Aren't they dependent on us for everything?

I wonder why we respond in a controlling, angry, reactive way?
Especially to behaviors that are developmentally in the norm?

I wonder what would happen,
when a preschooler

shouts at us
sticks a tongue out at us
refuses us
hits us
kicks us

if we held the thought..
just for a moment...

"this is developmentally in the norm"


?

I wonder what would happen if we whispered a response to their angry voices, daring to model a calmer presence

?

I wonder what would happen if we calmly repeated the larger message - "We do not hit.  We are safe here" or
scripted some better behaviors for them, such as,
"put your hands on your hips," "take a deep breath"

?



I wonder what would happen if we simply held the angry child, to keep him/her from hurting others, and retained our calm voice - "I see you are very upset.  I'll hold you until you are calm.  We'll talk then."

?

Or - if we are seething, unable to be calm,

I wonder what would happen if we simply told the child that
we need to take a break 
and then walked away, for a moment,
daring to model more appropriate ways to deal with frustration and anger?

I wonder if it is easier only in the short run
to bark at the child
and insist that we are in control?

I wonder why we call this discipline?

I wonder what we are teaching?

I wonder what would happen if we dared to apologize to the child for our angry voice?

I wonder what would happen if we asked for a "do over"?

I wonder if there's always going to be tension between

doing what is best for the child

and getting our own adult goals accomplished?

I wonder how to make peace with the tension...and reflect?

I wonder what would happen if parents and educators continually reflected on their discipline techniques and approaches?

I wonder if our children deserve no less?

Small thing, big insight

"The most unlovable child is the most in need of love." - Anonymous


I am late for the school day. I've parked my car about a block away from the school and am walking towards the building, for a mentor visit with a new teacher.

"Bye, Jack!" calls an adult voice as a car door closes and a young student moves from the car to the sidewalk. "Bye, Mom!" he answers. The car speeds away. The child is not even on school property yet.

A late-arriving student.
I've been visiting weekly all year, and I recognize this little guy.
A late-arriving student, from my teacher's preK class.

There's no adult walking this child to the door of the school?

Because the school day has started, there's no principal, no teacher, no administrative staff to meet this child at the school door.


Instinctively, I slow my walking, to accompany him inside, saying,

"Good morning, Jack. You are such a big boy, walking yourself into school."

"Well, my mom has to work."


He's figured out his significance in the world.



Jack's been a difficult learner for my teacher, not wanting to participate in activities, often slinking back with a frown on his face, muttering, "I don't wanna. I don't have to." He whines a lot. He has difficulty with his peers. The teacher has worked hard to help him feel more successful, to feel a sense of pride at his accomplishments, to be a friend.


Am I being melodramatic when I say: But he is invisible to his parents! How will education ever offset that?

Again, I am aware of the significance of small things. Walking your 4 year old child into school - a small must.


“If kids come to us from strong, healthy functioning families, it makes our job easier. If they do not come to us from strong, healthy, functioning families, it makes our job more important.” —Barbara Coloroso

Must I be a tiger mom?

I doubt I'm the only one who has been thinking about the parenting advice by Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. (Actually, I haven't read the book, only her much shorter article in the Wall Street Journal.) The lines that I keep reflecting on are these:

"What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it...To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences."

I think it is true that it is fun when you are good at things. And, certainly, you must practice, practice, practice to become truly great at anything. But, otherwise, I respectfully disagree:


1. Preschoolers love to work, love to focus - especially when they see it as play, especially when they work alongside loved ones.

2. Excellence, ideally, involves both practice and passion - keeping at something that you have a proclivity towards.

3. The journey to becoming great at something can most certainly involve lots of fun.

One of the most important things that a young child’s mind needs in order to learn is relationship. There needs to be a bond with the adult. If you want a preschooler to be interested in something, to be good at something, do it with them!!! You, alongside, will move mountains. Preschoolers provide uninhibited insight into what their passions are. These are great years to present them with all sorts of opportunities and exposure, to books, music, art, sports, nature, plus museums, concerts, and other field trips - to share with them your interests and passions and to dare to explore theirs.

Another important aspect of a child becoming accomplished at something is devoting time to it. I think there is a lot to be said for throwing away the clock and letting a child get absorbed in their work. This is the tension of a school day – with its interrupting specials, assigned playground and lunch periods – schedules that are needed for a school to run smoothly but, unfortunately, "throw a wrench" in lengthy, focused work by students.

Thus, as parents and teachers, we should work to find a way to allow for children's projects – to leave work out, to allow things to be left "mid-process," perhaps to put it up on display as it is being worked on; to allow and encourage children to revisit projects, to revise and continue. These are great years to work on perseverance, to show the value of how things develop. When possible, get your video camera out at the beginning of a new endeavor and photograph the child's efforts over time – let a child see how his/her work has evolved.

"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."
- Josh Billings



(The photograph I've included here is an extraordinary mural that I walk by regularly - "From Edgewood to the Edge of the World", located near the Rhode Island Metro in Washington, D.C. and created by several youth artists in 2009. I have no doubt it was created with a lot of hard work, talent, and enjoyment!)

Happy New Year!

A simple entry to start the year, some "food for thought"...

This comes from a book entitled The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything by Ken Robinson, Ph.D.

He notes that when you are doing what you love, what you are meant to do, the time and effort required is irrelevant. He notes that many people refer to this happy state of focus as being in a "zone" and adds:

Activities we love fill us with energy even when we are physically exhausted. Activities we don't like can drain us in minutes, even if we approach them at our physical peak of fitness.

When people place themselves in situations that lead to their being in the zone, they tap into a primal source of energy. They are literally more alive because of it.

We - as parents, teachers, and caregivers - have a beautiful window into just what this zone is for the little ones in our life. We can use this information to guide them in the future. Simply by watching children play, we can see their gifts, their strengths, their passions. As Ken Robinson continues,

This is about looking into the eyes of your children or those you care for and, rather than approaching them with a template about who they might be, trying to understand who they really are. Left to their own devices, what are they drawn to do? What kinds of activities do they tend to engage in voluntarily? What sorts of aptitude do they suggest? What absorbs them the most? What sort of questions do they ask, and what type of points do they make?

Want to hear more from Ken Robinson? Check out these two videos from TED Conferences where he has spoken about creativity and education:


http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html


http://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_bring_on_the_revolution.html


Happy New Year, everybody!!

Moments that linger

I've been blogging for almost a year now, enjoying it very much. As you can probably tell, I try to make at least one blog entry a week. Some weeks I do better than that, some weeks (like this past one) it doesn't even happen. But, as I suspect is true for most of us who work with children, each day is filled with moments that are meaningful and important...regardless of whether they are put into print.

The past many days have been very full indeed and I have been searching for which moment to spotlight here in this blog. And then it dawned on me - why not share several? This is the reality of being with young children - it is a whirlwind of small but powerful moments.

Consider these moments that linger...

- Sitting at a table with several 3 year olds, working on shape puzzles, when several friends wander off to new classroom pursuits and I find myself alone with one young boy who is focused on solving these. He completes another model and then notices that all the shapes on the table are available for him to use. He gathers them into one big pile, much like King Midas, and begins spontaneously to search for each and every circle piece - creating a long line of circle pieces across the table. I, to test him, offer him a diamond piece, and he shakes his head in seriousness and says, "No, just circles," but then he reconsiders, "Hey, let me see that!" And next to his line of circles, he begins to create a new pattern, using nothing but diamond pieces. "Help me," he says, "We must find all these diamonds!" This is why I work with children - I love watching them think, I love being present as the world opens up to them. (Oh, but where is my camera!?)

- Starting my day with a group of 4 year olds, when a little girl comes up to the teacher and laughs, "I whip my hair back and forth!" The teacher laughs in delight and says to her, "Good morning to you, too! Ask Ms. Ingram if she knows this song, you must share it with her." The little girl sings it to me, all the while shaking her hair. She adds, "There is a video!" and I tell her, "This song is new to me. I will look it up on my computer when I get home and I will think of you." That evening, I find this song video by Willow Smith, and I think not only of the 4 year old but of her incredible teacher, embracing this child's connection to home, seeing her sharing as a positive greeting, not dismissing it or ignoring it. I marvel at teachers who embrace children's interests, knowing that these are the foundation for the very best learning.



- In the block corner, I am relaxed and stretched out on the floor, alongside several children working on their masterpieces. A child that I have never met before sees me and an open invitation: quite unexpectedly, he throws himself on top of me, laughing at his surprise attack. "Well! hello!," I say and I give him a quick hug. Children don't hold back, do they? I love how real and "in the moment" children are.

- Two four year old boys, two different classrooms. Both so similarly sad, both with thumb in mouth, tearful; both dragging behind their classmates as they walk down the hall, or as they gather at the carpet. Everything is hard for them today, they don't want to participate, they can't seem to follow the routine. And the two teachers, unknown to one another, miles apart in their schools, both said to me, I am wondering what is up with him; I need to talk to his family about whether this sadness is true at home, too; have they seen this? I wonder if school is feeling too hard right now? And why? I wonder if he needs more tasks to do independently, away from the crowd of classmates? Both of these teachers are so similarly aware of their little ones' behaviors, carefully observing and considering, seeing themselves as the problem-solvers, the child interpreters, that they are. I am filled with hope about our educators.

- It's the end of the day, and a teacher reports to a grandmother that her 4 year old granddaughter had a rather rough day, having many tears. (The teacher had earlier told me that this child's parents are newly separated, getting a divorce.) The grandmother stoops down to the child's level and says, oh so severely, "Don't you EVER let me hear of you crying in school! You have GOT NOTHING to cry about young lady! If you need something to cry about, I have it for you. But you are too big for crying. And don't let me hear about you having to be held by the teacher - you are too big for that. You hear me?" I am stung by her cruel response. I think about the enormous work of teachers - working with young children and their families - the tense, concentrated work one must do, negotiating a minefield of varying beliefs and approaches about children, learning how and when to assert yourself, always advocating for the children.



- It is evening. I am working with new teachers, sharing my engineering curriculum. Using recyclables, they are building houses for the three little pigs, hoping to make one that is strong enough to prevent the wolf from knocking it over. (The wolf is my blow dryer!) I see one of the teachers blow on her house, to test it herself, before calling me over. I laugh with delight - yes, we need teachers like this teaching our young children - able to become thoroughly engaged with the work, to be playful and curious.

- A message from NAEYC in my email inbox, reminding me about the ongoing on-line event for the new release of the Anti-Bias Education by Louise Derman-Sparks and Julie Olsen Edwards. I am moved by their opening quote, "Early childhood teachers want each child in their care to feel powerful and competent. They strive to welcome every child and to show respect to each family as best they know how. However, beyond individual teachers’ hopes, beliefs, and actions is a society that has built advantage and disadvantage into our many institutions and systems. Inequity of resources in society, and the biases we use to justify that inequity, have an enormous impact on children’s lives." The on-line discussion is full of concerned questions and thoughtful responses; I am in awe of the numerous, dedicated educators who are striving to eliminate prejudice and inequity in their classrooms, in our world.

These are the moments that linger for me this week...some sad, many beautiful, all very rich experiences. I am so thrilled to work with both children and their teachers.

What to do about competitiveness?

Wow, it is mid-August. I remember summers when my children were little...summers were a time of much family togetherness. I would greet the summer jubilantly in June, as the school year drew to a close, with all sorts of activities planned and the promise of fun times. But, by August, my energy had waned, the children were getting on my and each other's nerves, and I was desperately seeking the return of a regular schedule. I suspect many young families are feeling this same tension now. A friend, with two small children "underfoot," recently asked me, how do you handle competitiveness, both competition for your attention and that negative exchange between two children, the "I am faster, better, bigger...."



Preschool teachers hear the same brazen words in the classroom. Sometimes it occurs between children that don't play much at all with each other, but most often it happens with children that are very close friends. It is perfectly natural behavior - but one that grates on our adult nerves. I have a variety of responses to this, depending on my mood and/or the situation:

1. IGNORE - To some extent, take the carping with a grain of salt - it pays to be able to ignore some level of the interaction. I remember one parenting class where we were encouraged to wear an ipod/earphones as we moved throughout the house, daring to ignore a large part of the banter. In my classroom, I work hard to make sure there are several engaging, exploratory activities for the children that will whet their appetite and allow them to interact with one another more or less independently. I am often a "fly on the wall" to their conversations, listening but not interrupting. Honestly, we don't have to tamp down on our children's every word, movement. Take it in stride, if you can. Remind yourself that the children are learning to play together and it takes time to become skilled at this.

2. REDIRECT - When the level of discourse begins to get out of hand, my favorite technique is to interrupt calmly and model a new way to do the activity or to suggest another activity - for one or both of the children. It I have the time and patience, I will often suggest an activity for me to do with both of the children, because it is great for children to have an adult happily playing alongside them. (And, if I feel one child is being particularly put upon, I often suggest an activity that happens to be one of this child's favorite things to do - his/her favorite story, for example). I believe this models how children can enjoy being together without struggling over who is better, faster, bigger. You simply changed the scene.

3. REFRAME - When it is brazen, "Mommy, I can do art better than Jane can't I?", it is a good idea to respond in a positive, unfrustrated voice, complimenting the specific achievement "You are proud of painting an elephant, aren't you?!" Often the child is simply feeling proud and wants to be acknowledged for it. Help your child learn to shine without denigrating others. It is good teaching to also add a positive word about the other child (if she/he is listening) - "And look - Jane likes to use blue in her painting...."

4. LIMIT - At some point, it can go too far. Perhaps you see it in one child's eyes - or hear it in their acrimonious voices. Time to be very clear: "In this classroom (in this family), we are kind to one another. See how hurt Jane is? You need to use kind words with one another. Are you able to use kind words?" and, if it continues, "I see this is hard for you to be together right now. I want you to play in the xyz area now." I recently heard from one mom a parallel idea that one could use at home (my children are teenagers/young adults, so, unfortunately, I can't really use this at my house!). When her preschoolers/young elementary children were caught up in fussing with one another, she would hand both children a dust rag and point them in the right direction, exclaiming "Time to clean the baseboards and give yourself some thinking time!" I really like that no nonsense approach. It is kind, but clear - we have limits on how we speak to one another.

Perhaps the best resources on how to deal with these hurtful, competitive interactions between children - and how and when to "draw the line" - are the numerous books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, particularly: Siblings Without Rivalry. I particularly like Chapter 3 "The Perils of Comparisons," which warns how adults can fuel issues between children (often innocently, without malice of forethought) simply by comparing one child to the other. It is a really easy read that could help you find a new voice, a better response in dealing with competitiveness between children.

What to say?

I confess to having a writer's block for this blog right now. Perhaps it is the relentless summer heat? Perhaps it is my career transition?

I will vent today.

I just got back from visiting my parents. On the plane ride home, there was a young couple traveling with their two lively young boys - perhaps 1 and 3 years old. I cringed, over and over, as I heard their sharp, rebuking voices to everything the children did:

HUSH! GET DOWN! NO! NO SNACK! STOP TOUCHING! SIT STILL!

I gave them compassionate smiles, I affirmed "Oh, what dear boys...," but, mostly, I winced.

We have to stop this! We can't keep raising our little ones with this negative tone.

I think of a line from therapy - "Reactivity breeds reactivity" - are you getting the results you desire when you speak so sharply to your little one? I wonder, what do you feel inside yourself when someone speaks harshly to you? I freeze up, I feel blocked. I do not feel receptive, I do not hear.

What are our children feeling when we speak this way, over and over? Have you ever thought about how much of their behavior is being tamped down? Reprimanded? Angrily assessed? What must that be like to have your every movement negated? What are children learning from this? What do they "take away" from this experience?

It is developmentally right on for a one and three year old to be frisky in their seats on an airplane. It is developmentally right on for children of this age to have new, challenging behavior during this very new experience.

Expect the unexpected. Use a lighter voice, a softer touch, and a sense of humor. Pack some special books and activities for your travel. Teach them how to handle stressful new situations by modeling the appropriate behavior.

There - that's my vent. Thanks for listening!

How to help children feel better?

One more blog with the theme of "bridges between school and home...."

Both preschool teachers and parents are only too familiar with the way children's behavior can fall apart, sometimes within seconds. Worse yet, sometimes children just have a bleak mood for the day. As the responsible adult, you have to deal with children who are whining, clinging, crying, yelling, or just plain needy. How can you change the mood? How can you get children to relax, take a deep breath, "chill"? Is there any way to teach children to self-soothe, calm down, or decompress?

What if you are in a bad mood, and you simply can't deal with your child's?

I received lots of great information on this during my teacher certification course at Montgomery County Childcare Association's Teacher Training Institute. My first day of class - which ended up being cancelled - was September 11, 2001. As the class continued that fall, Jacky Howell and Debbie Lebo reminded us repeatly about how important it is to keep young children cushioned and safe from our adult world problems. Many of my favorite techniques "to brighten the mood" are from this training:


Dance Party - put on your favorite dance music, announce "We need a Dance Party!," and begin boogying. All the more fun if you have special scarves for you and your child to hold onto as you sway to the music. I have changed the sour mood in my class with one stanza of Van Morrison's "Moon Dance" - children love to dance. The key is to put on music YOU enjoy, so that you will put your happiest heart into it.





No, Yes, Maybe (courtesy Debbie Lebo) - this is a very silly chant that can be done while sitting or standing and loosens up your neck and shoulder muscles. It goes as follows:

No, No, No!
(shake your head from side to side, and give a stern face)
Yes, Yes, Yes!
(nod your head up and down, and give a smiling, delighted face)
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
(roll your shoulders, up down, and give a perplexed face)

You can chant this over and over, faster and faster, and I promise, children will start laughing (and, hopefully, start mirroring your movements, letting their bodies relax).

Pretend Lotion (courtesy Debbie Lebo) - Here's one for you to practice your dramatic skills:

Open an imaginary bottle of magical relaxing lotion.
Squeeze some into the child's hands.
Put some on your hands, too.
Then, pretend to rub the lotion on your hands, arms, face, feet, and legs,
as the child mirrors your actions.
This is relaxing play!

Blow Bubbles - this childhood favorite, available at any dollar store, is always a hit. My colleague Michal recently shared a wonderful anecdote about the power of bubbles:

At a parenting workshop at a homeless shelter for young single mothers, Michal gave everyone a little gift of bubbles...later that evening (as told to Michal by the shelter's director), one mother, responding to her whiny, crying toddler, got out the new bubbles and blew them over the child's head, without saying a word. A magical mood-changing moment occurred: the toddler began to squeal with delight and the mother smiled and laughed.

Most preschool teachers keep bubbles at the ready in our curriculum cabinets - for the same kind of mood improvement. Bubbles are great!

Debbie Lebo notes how a sweet, soft hug or touch can improve a child's mood. She suggests these (and other) loving activities for one-on-one, adult with child:

Baby in the Bed:

Now's the time to go to sleep
(Child holds up one finger for "baby")
Put the baby in the bed
(Child lays finger on your open palm)
Cover the baby in the bed
(Fold your palm gently)
And kiss the baby goodnight
(Kiss child's finger in your hand)

Spiders:

Spiders crawling up your back
(Run fingers up the child's back)
Spiders crawling down your back
(Run fingers down)
Three big bumps!
(Touch fist gently 3 times on the child's back)
Cool breeze
(Blow on the back of the child's neck)
Warm squeeze
(Hug the child's shoulders)
Now you've got the chillies
(Tickle once around waist)

Don't forget the easiest mood-changer of all: go outside. If you are cooped up inside, take your child out and run, run, run around. Even if the weather is yucky! A few moments outdoors can do wonders for everybody.

These are just a few of my favorite mood-changers. There are many, many more. I hope you will give them a try!

Why tell children the schedule?

Let me continue on this topic of "bridges between home and school" - things teachers do at school that families could continue doing at home, making life with preschoolers a little easier or perhaps even more fun. Today I want to explain the thinking behind "the daily schedule" - why teachers always provide visuals of the day's routine; more specifically, why they always tell children where they are going next. Simply put: children need to know where they are going!

At the Addressing Challenging Behavior Conference this past March, Ron Roybal, speaking about Lessons Learned About Including Children with Autism, pointed out that "routines within routines are key to predictability for all children." He maintains that - in any activity, at any time of day, children behave best when they know what to expect, i.e.:


1. What am I doing now?
2. How do I know I’m making progress?
3. How do I know when I’m finished?
4. What comes next?

You will have much less challenging behavior from your child if you help him/her to understand the routine, the schedule.

(Lest you question the need to do this, let me ask you - are you comfortable in meetings where there are no agendas handed out? Most of us do better when we know where we are headed.)

The younger the child, the more this routine needs to be conveyed in ways that use a variety of senses - visuals such as hand signals, facial expressions, or pictures; or sounds such as a special clap or song; or even physical techniques such as standing and stretching, putting hands on your ears, or other fun movements.


I want to share with you a chart I created years ago for my then 4 yr. old Wade, who was sandwiched between his infant brother Bryce and 6 yr. old Keith. I was having a dickens of a time getting them all out the door in the morning, to get Keith to elementary school on time. My dear friend Carol (a teacher!) suggested creating this chart for him...when he finished a task, he moved a simple "velcro dot" to the DONE column. I listed five tasks:

1. Eat breakfast
2. Wash face and brush teeth
3. Make bed
4. Get dressed
5. Put on socks and shoes

The chart was not particularly pretty, but, boy, was it effective. The result was - almost instantaneously - no more grumbling, no more pleading, no more stress getting out the door - seriously! I couldn't believe it. (Though, in the interest of full disclosure, I have absolutely no memory of any of my boys making their bed on a regular basis - I'm sure my expectations for this were pretty low.)

Perhaps my delight in creating this was what led me to consider becoming a teacher myself? Yes, perhaps. However, the result pretty much sealed the deal - I began to see that the best way to teach a child was to try to think like the child, to see it from their perspective, and then - help them break down a daunting big thing into smaller chunks.

I began to see the power in having an inanimate object set the rules for our family! Yes, that's a joke - but there's a kernel of truth in it: I had removed "Mom" from the equation, I had taken the emotional out of the morning routine. 4 year old Wade tried to complete the tasks that were set out in front of him for their sake, for his own sake. He understood where he was headed.

The next time you need to do something or go somewhere and you find that your children are falling apart or resisting (and you are stressing out), I hope you'll consider how much information your children have. Ask yourself if you've told them where they are headed, what they'll be doing, how long before they leave, how they will know when it's time to leave, and other aspects of the schedule.


Keep your description simple, succinct, and (as always) calm. I use alot of visuals in my classroom. I am a big fan of pointing at pictures and saying "Hmmm, what do we have to do next?" or "What does this tell us?" I also use sounds - a chime, a rainstick, or a special drum to indicate I have something to say or that something is ending - "When you hear the drum, it will be time to...."


Honestly, to provide children this insight and help with routines and schedule is to show them the same respect we accord ourselves.