SOLSC 2015 #3: What are the building blocks of friendship?

Each day during March, I am participating in the Two Writing Teachers Slice of Life Story Challenge (SOLSC). All participants are writing about one moment, one part of their day, every day for thirty-one days. My slices will be primarily about teaching preschoolers. Check out the Two Writing Teachers  website for lots more reflections on teaching. Thanks especially to Stacey, Tara, Anna, Beth, Dana, and Betsy for hosting this writing challenge. 

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From across the room, I see him run towards his classmate…I move quickly to be there, anticipating, but I am one moment too late. He jumps on top of his classmate, who is bent over a block structure, focused on building. He jostles his classmate onto the floor, and their bodies together knock over the structure. The block builder is so, so, so frustrated, emerging from the heap of blocks with his fists tightly clenched, preparing to pelt his assailant, yelling at him, "No! No! No!"

I quickly separate the two preschoolers, holding both, one arm wrapped around each.

"Ms. Ingram, he keeps knocking my buildings down! I don't want to play with him."

Yes, it is true. Really true. All day, this little guy has been sabotaging his friends' best efforts. Questions race through my mind. What is this? Too much time indoors during this cold, harsh winter? Not enough big body play? Is he feeling ignored? Not sure how to join in on his classmates' play?

Me to the block builder - "Thank you for saying what is wrong, thank you for not hurting him with your fists. Yes, he is having a hard time being gentle right now. I know you are sad that he jumped on you and your blocks fell over."

And then, to the challenging one - 

Me - "Let's you and I walk together. I'm going to hold your hand. You will hang out with me for awhile. Let's just walk a bit."

"No! I want to play with [the block builder]! I don't want to walk with you!"

Me - "Well, truth be told, he needs a break from you. Because you jumped on him, his blocks fell over. He wants to build by himself right now."

He yells defiantly, "I'm going to put you in jail! Tomorrow! I'm going to put you in jail!"

I hold his hand gently, murmuring, "Let's walk, buddy, let's walk. I need to get something from the supply room, please help me."

My quiet response begins to quiet him.

I think children need connection, relationship.

Connection can be challenging when they are being so contrary. 

However, I'm the adult, and I need to show him another way.

I think it is essential in these heated moments that we demonstrate how to be kind. 

His flippant, demanding, reactive chatter - I don't address it. 

In fact, I choose to ignore it.

I don't address his tone or his words because, honestly, 

I don't believe you can tackle all things at once.

My focus is on a larger goal: to help him be more aware of his peers, to interact with more 'give and take,' rather than 'ruling,' 'demanding,' 'shoving' classmates into his plans. To learn how to be a friend.

This is going to take time, patience, and lots of modeling.

There will be many repeat lessons, I know.

Tuesday SOL Negotiating strong feelings

 This is a Tuesday "Slice of Life" for Two Writing Teachers. Check out their website for lots more reflections on teaching.
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First, a vent - to think, just a few weeks ago, I was blogging each day; the sheer frequency of it seemed to make me more organized...I don't remember feeling as rushed and almost 'caged' as I do right now - nearly 9 pm, and I haven't made a Tuesday blog post - yieeeee!!! Get on with it, Maureen!

[Yes, the names are fictitious!! But the story is real!]
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Today, during centers -

She ran up to me and declared, "Ms. Ingram, I am very frustrated, because [Shelby] is mad at me because I don't say his name right, and I told him that this is the only way I can say it, because I can't say it the right way."

She is well aware that she has difficulty articulating the "SH" sound, which - unfortunately for her - is part of his name. Her "SH" is much more like an "S" sound; thus, she says "Selby" not "Shelby."

Me - "Shall we go talk to him, you and I, together?"

"No, I'm not going to play with him."

I wonder if any of my preschoolers have figured out that I believe the main purpose of my work is to help them understand one another? to communicate? to learn to speak up to one another and to listen to one another?

Let the negotiations begin.

I found Shelby, playing by himself with the counting bears. I asked, "Is anything wrong with you and [Kristen]?

He asserted, "Yes, I don't want her to talk to me anymore because she calls me Selby and my name is Shelby."

Two bright, strong-willed preschoolers,
looking for justice,
looking for understanding,
looking for friendship.

Me - "[Kristen] is sad about this. Do you know that [Kristen] is trying really, really hard to say 'Shelby' but that she hasn't quite learned how to say 'Sh'? She is trying to teach her mouth to say 'Sh' but so far it only comes out 'ssssss.' "

Him - "I don't like that. I'm not going to play with her until she says it right. That's my name."

Me - "Yes, this is very important to you. Our names are very important. But, I'm thinking, you don't know how to write your name yet, do you? You know how hard it is for you to hold the pencil, and how frustrated you get, trying to write those words? You want to quit, but, you don't, you keep trying, because you are learning."

He looks at me wide-eyed.

Me - "[Kristen] knows how to write letters. She can write your name very well. And you say your name very well. You both know how to do something very well, and you are both learning something very hard. We are all good at some things and working on some things. [Kristen] is working on saying your name."

"Maybe she could help you learn to write your name and you could help her pronounce your name."

Him - "Or, maybe, if she can't say my name, she can call me a new name!"

I couldn't help chuckling, at the sheer unexpectedness of this. "Well, that is a good idea. What do you think she could call you, in the meanwhile, while she is learning your name?"

Him - "How about 'Mister Blue'? "

I smiled, and echoed, spontaneously, "Mister Blue?!"

We walked over to [Kristen], to share this idea with her - and, my oh my, what a huge grin she had at this suggestion.
"That is a silly idea!," she laughed.
And Shelby laughed, too.
They laughed, together.

Now you see - I have the best job in the world!
I am witness to their compromises,
their growing communication skills,
their budding friendships.
Preschoolers are absolutely delightful!